Employee Rating Time Again?

bad_employee Yes, it’s that time of the year again, so I’ve *rediscovered* these gems to offer as helpful suggestions for those of you writing reviews of employee performance. These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

1."Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2."His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3."I would not allow this employee to breed."
4."This employee is really not so much of a has’been, but more of a definite won’t be."
5."Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6."When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7."He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9."He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
12."Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
13."A gross ignoramus–144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
14."He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15."He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier."
16."I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17."He’s been working with glue too much."
18."He would argue with a signpost."
19."He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20."He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
21."When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22."If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one."
23."A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
24."A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25."Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
26."Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming."
27."Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
28.If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week."
29."If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change."
30."If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
31."It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
32."One neuron short of a synapse."
33."Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
34."Takes him two hours to watch ’60 Minutes’."
35."The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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About Gandalfe

Just an itinerant saxophonist trying to find life between the changes. I have retired from the Corps of Engineers and Microsoft. I am an admin on the Woodwind Forum, run the Microsoft Jumpin' Jive Orchestra, and enjoy time with family and friends.
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7 Responses to Employee Rating Time Again?

  1. Rambling says:

    I have had to write reviews and certainly I have had to have reviews. For all intents and purposes they are a farce. :-)

  2. Zeynep says:

    So "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead", lol…Thanks for stopping by. I don’t know why those people are inviting an other space with an empty space? Who accepts that invites? On the other hand, I think I will not even check those invites because it is just westing time.You are right, there are some interesting profiles but just a little time.Have a great day, cheers, Zeynep xx

  3. L says:

    I would like to see some reviews for our illustrious Wall Street Executives that raked in millions. Do they even receive one from the Board of Directors I wonder?

  4. Happy says:

    ROFLOL. S/he would argue with a signpost! I’d go hunting with him! Thanks for humour!

  5. Deb's says:

    lmao…. thanks for the giggles. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." sure i know this guy…lolhugsdebsxXx

  6. Sylvia says:

    Dark humor is always welcome :)

  7. Graham says:

    Ah, very good. The best remark I ever heard of on a job reference was "He has always worked down to a level that satisfies his own standards." The most honest reference I ever gave consisted of one question answered out of a dozen or more. Q4 "Would you re-employ?"A4 "NO"

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